Don’t post at 4am
Don’t post at 4am
Sorry Viz. It sounds rough.
If you’re reaching a point of despair, I would try to find another therapist that is better for you. Please don’t make an attempt on your own life. Your family loves you. If you’ve reached a critical point and you think you’re going to commit suicide, call the suicide help hotline.
I would also suggest taking part in GAF’s depression thread. There are a lot of informative, and helpful people on there.
Maybe you could try another therapist. Talking to other people is a good idea even if you aren’t comfortable about sharing your innermost feelings. I also suggest you try to fill your days with as many activities as possible. Visit new places, meet new people, find new experiences. An exhausted mind is less prone to drift away towards suicidal thoughts.
You know, i never talk of faith. But there is one case where i’d consider faith very important, and that’s when we are in any situation where we can’t think straight. Depression is a massive intellectual drain, it’s kind of like a memory leak if you think about it. You only realize something not quite as it should be when things start running slow and by then you don’t even have the memory space to run something to treat the leak, so you just keep deleting processes one by one as they become increasingly less important than having space inside your head where you’re free to move around, but that leak just up and steals some more for itself and you’re left with no real way out of this self destructive cycle. I mean i’m not a doctor, but, well, who really is you know?
And like, eventually you will delete the process that evaluates the reality of things outside of your perspective (i think this has an actual name). Well, if you have it, some don’t and they’re buttholes so big you need a 4th axis to describe how unpleasant they are effectively making them 4 dimensional poop and also CEOs and stuff. But most of us do, and i’m pretty sure you do too. And here is one truth that without that kind of thinking it’s very hard to believe. There is good to knowing pain. If you know pain, it’s easier to be kind to others. Also did you know that both Xenogears and Evangelion are somewhat about this? Even though they are virtually unrelated. If both Gears and Eva say something like that, it must be true don’t you think? If you do, but cannot see it… have faith. Have faith that it is true. Faith is wasted on the gods, but it still have some pragmatic uses.
Also if therapy stagnates keep trying! Those things don’t come so easily unfortunately, and that’s ok.
The way I see it, you were given a life. It’s yours to choose what you do with it. And you only get one shot. When it’s over, it’s over. We’re just some monkeys on a floating rock lost in one corner of endless nothingness, anyway. But, each of us do get one brief stint in this world. For most people on this planet, I have to imagine they go through more negative experiences than positive ones. And when we’re gone, the majority of us won’t be remembered. We won’t have changed anything. And aside from our own experiences, we might as well not lived at all. But who the fuck cares what happens after we’re gone. Who cares if this planet is going to die before our species can save it. If this is all you’ve got, then make it work for you. Your experiences are the only things that are really real.
What makes you happy? What gives you peace? Chase that, and try to outrun the darkness until you find a place where it can’t get to you.
I dunno, that’s the best my ass could come up with. Don’t hurt yourself, though. There’s enough shit in this world that wants to eat you up, don’t let yourself add to it.