i’m watching Whisper of the Heart and for some reason it’s hitting me in a hard and specific way, like it somehow pinpoints a fundamental hurt in my system, something of an unturning cog, and just yesterday i finished a LoTR Extended Edition marathon (holy shit they were so fucking long and SO GOOD how did i not remember the greatness that is the LoTR adaptations), and in trying to figure out why i liked grey gandalf better than white gandalf i think i’m starting to figure out what exactly both of these strike inside me, like a long abandoned desire for… something, and now i’m starting to think that this something is likely to be novelty, fantastical wonder and the desire, not to know, but to learn, to figure out and to discover
in my life i have always sought to be omni knowledgeable and capable as per the pressures i was under as a kid (being the “intelligent” one), and i think now i should frankly just abandon that desire to have knowledge, and finally revive my desire to to experience its discovery, but frankly the sheer depth of this ugly branding that was burnt into my skin as a young boy is severely affecting my ability to do so
